In her desperation to look her best in a bikini, she started skipping meals, dieting to an extreme and making herself sick
Emma Stewart still remembers how excited she was about her first holiday abroad when she was 15. The sun, sea and sand were beckoning, but in her desperation to look her best in a bikini, she started skipping meals, dieting to an extreme and making herself sick. Her short trip to Greece plunged Emma into an anorexia nightmare, and she spent years going in and out of hospital. At her worst, Emma survived on just one apple and 150 laxatives a day as her weight plummeted close to four stone. Warning her she could die, doctors even force-fed her through a tube. They also warned that she was destroying her chances of ever having a child. It was a thought that terrified her... until her miracle daughter Kacy was born. More than two years on from the surprise pregnancy, the 25-year-old sales assistant credits Kacy with bringing her back from the brink of death. She says: “I feel so lucky to still be alive and to have such a beautiful little girl. "I’ve lost friends to this illness and while I know I will never fully be rid of those anorexic feelings, I only have to look at Kacy and I feel strong. She helps me more than any doctor can.” Looking back, Emma, of Elgin, in Moray, north east Scotland, explains that she cannot understand why she was desperate to slim down so much 10 years ago. A petite 5ft 1ins and weighing 7st 10lbs at the time, she says it is hard to comprehend how she ever felt she had a weight problem when her best friend Julie and her family invited her along on their break in Greece.
She says: “I was convinced I needed to be skinny to look good in a bikini. I started obsessing about my weight and what I’d look like sunbathing. "I was convinced I was too heavy, so I started skipping meals and making myself sick whenever Mum forced me to sit down and eat a family meal.” In just two months Emma’s weight dropped to 6st 5lbs. She says: “When I finally went on holiday I thought I looked great in my bikini, but in truth I felt weak and dizzy.” Forced to sit down and eat three meals a day with Julie and her family, Emma started making herself sick. The secret came out after she blocked the hotel’s toilets and once back home, Julie’s mum Donna told Emily’s family about her eating disorder. Emma says: “Mum was devastated and marched me to the GP who insisted on regular check-ups to monitor my weight. “But I knew I just wanted to get thinner and thinner. I felt like a failure because I’d been caught before I could reach my goal of three stone. I’d read about a girl who had got to that weight and had set myself the same goal.” Under her mum’s watch, Emma knew she had to find a new way to slim, as skipping meals would no longer work. Then she heard about a girl who used laxatives to keep her weight down. She says: “It was the perfect solution. I went to the doctor, said I was constipated and he prescribed some. I was so excited.” Finishing the bottle in two days, she bought more from a pharmacy and was soon swallowing 150 a day. “The weight was melting off me,” she says. “I spent hours on the loo and the cramps were terrible – but as long as my tummy was flat I didn’t care. I’d even take them while I was at school.” But when the chemist refused to serve her a few weeks later, Emma was devastated. “By that point Mum had become wise to what I was up to and took me back to the GP.” Emma was referred to a young persons’ eating disorders unit soon after. But instead of helping, it gave her a crash-course in how to shed even more weight. She says: “The other patients were all so devious. One girl even helped me hide my food in the bins. “I started taking part in competitions to see who could scrape most butter off their toast, and who could burn the most calories, without the nurses noticing. I’d hide laxatives in my shoes and socks.” Even when her doctor told her she was ruining her health and her chances of having a baby she could not see sense. She says: “I didn’t listen. All I cared about was being skinny. When I looked in the mirror I just saw disgusting fat. "I’d always wanted to be a mum, but the thought of being pregnant and getting fat was terrifying. "I’d measure my legs and if I couldn’t get my hand round my thigh I knew I had to lose weight.”
Emma spent 10 months in the unit, even taking her GCSEs there. She only started putting on weight when she realised she would never be discharged unless she did. But when she left, at 7st 7lbs, she had no intention of keeping the weight on. After starting college, Emma carried on taking laxatives, visiting different supermarkets to avoid arousing suspicions. She started using the gym daily, and within a few months she was back down to six stone, surviving on one apple a day and 60 laxatives. The next few years were punctuated with hospital stays, and the sudden death of her brother Colin in November 2005 saw her stop eating altogether. Her weight hit 4st 7lbs and she was detained under the Mental Health Act and force-fed through a tube in hospital. She says: “I couldn’t cope with the grief. It was my lowest point. I pulled the feeding tube out all the time, longing to be dead if I couldn’t be thin.” It was a pal’s visit that finally gave Emma strength. The friend had got a tattoo of Emma’s name on her ankle. She says: “I realised everyone thought I was going to die. I couldn’t believe it. It was a wake-up call and I started getting better.” Once back at a healthy eight stone, Emma moved into her own flat, and on a night out in July 2009 she met roofer David, now 26. Emma explains: “I’d spent so long hating myself and my body, I’d given up on the idea of a relationship. But David made me see a future that didn’t revolve around being thin. “I was still having bad days, bingeing and purging, but David made me more accepting of my body. I had my first McDonald’s since I was 14. We were so happy and moved in together, the only thing missing was a baby.” With the doctor’s words ringing in her ears, Emma feared she and David would never get the family they longed for. She says: “I’d been taking 150 laxatives a day at one point – it was obvious my body couldn’t cope with a baby.” But Emma got a welcome surprise. She says: “Although I was on the pill my cycle had been erratic for years because of my eating problems. When I missed a period I never thought I’d be pregnant but I took a test anyway. “I couldn’t speak when it came up positive. Mum said it was a blessing and I broke down in tears.” Emma’s joy was mixed with dread – putting on weight terrified her. She says: “I cared about the life growing inside me, but I still had days when I made myself sick. I was 7st 7lbs and my eating disorder still had a hold on me.” But as her pregnancy progressed, Emma felt like she was getting some control back. She says: “As soon as I saw the first scan I realised I had to eat, for my baby. I knew it was my last chance to make a go of my life.” Emma worked with a dietician to follow a meal plan that would mean her baby received all the nutrients it needed – three meals a day, two snacks and a milky drink at night. And by the time Kacy was born in June 2011, at 7lb 12oz, Emma herself was 11st 7lbs. She says: “Kacy was my priority, not my body. I was too busy being the best mum I could be to worry about laxatives and purging – she was so much more important.” Two years on and weighing 8st 10lbs, Emma feels she has shut a door on her anorexia. She says: “Whenever I get tempted to not eat, I look at Kacy and the longing to purge or starve myself goes. "Kacy truly saved my life and has given it a whole new meaning.”
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